So many changes!

 I'm a change-a-holic these days! I did it again, I changed the name of the blog, the description, some of the more... depressing... posts have been deleted, and I will be changing the colors and layout as soon as this is posted. No reason why, I just feel like it :-P

Anyways, I've been bitten by the "change it up" bug lately. I've been changing things around the house, cleaning out my wardrobe ((and the guy's too, though I'm not sure if Sean knows that yet... :D )), and planning some big big changes for after Bean is born. I'm mostly keeping those to myself though, because I want to make it a surprise. This whole year is a year of change; with us moving across the country, me having very little support system during this year's deployment (as compared to previous deployments), the addition of Bean, and the possible addition of Sean's sister to our household. So what's a few more changes right?

I have to say, I'm pretty excited for what's to come later this year. Obviously I'm excited about meeting our son or daughter, but we're also going to be flying out one of Sean's brothers to visit us for a week or so in August. Hopefully everything works out the way its supposed to, because I think its going to be a lot of fun for him and a lot of fun for us. Plus he's worked pretty hard this year I think, and we feel he deserves a bit of a break from the small town.

I'm also looking forward to getting back to my workouts, and basically recreating myself as a mom and as a woman. I know its not much to some, but turning 25 this year AND becoming the mom of two little house apes <3 I think is deserving of a total overhaul. You'll all have to wait though to see just what those changes are :)

Pain and discomfort

Pardon me while I whine a bit. I haven't worked out probably in about 2 weeks now. I feel horrible about it, lazy, and a little fat too. Seriously though, this pregnancy needs to just end already! I can usually feel somewhat normal in the morning, but by afternoon I'm swollen like a water balloon. Bean has settled so far down into my pelvis that after lunch time I can barely walk. I have been craving junk food like no other! I'm terrified to see how much I weigh at Thursday's appointment. Yet another reason why I'm ready to meet my bean; I want to feel up to working out again, so I can lose all the weight. So I can start building muscle again. So I can be ME again. I love my kids, I just hate baking them.

So much to do, so little time

I haven't been posting as much as I probably should, this blog is more of a way for me to stay accountable rather than a "hey this is what I'm up to" kind of thing. Not like many people follow anyways though :-P
Anyways, we still don't have a functioning scale in the house, so I have no idea how much weight I've gained (or haven't... fingers crossed) since my last appointment. I've been pretty lax on keeping my food journal on SparkPeople... bad bad Laura! I have to say though, that I mentally count the calories in everything that I eat. I'm sure I'm going over my target, by how much I don't know. Tomorrow starts a new phase; I'm eating and exercising not to maintain weight, but to maintain energy. I need to have energy to get this child out of me in about 6 weeks, and energy to recover quickly so that I can get my booty back in the gym ASAP.

I have some new plans, but I'm keeping them under wraps until way later. Preferably until after I accomplish them. I love that I've seemingly inspired some people to make a lifestyle change, but there are some things that I just want to myself and I really don't want copied. I then feel like I'm competing with someone which brings out a whole different side of me. Its not usually pretty.

I was pretty upset when I found out that we weren't going to be able to bring "the beast" out here to VA with us; but as always my husband found a way to make it up to me <3 The Beast's twin (which is yet to be named) now resides with us here, and the Beast itself has found a new home. I am definitely stoked that it will be going home with someone who can appreciate it as I do.

Anyways, I need to get to my homework. One goal of mine that I don't mind sharing, is that I want to have my entire ISSA program completed by the time this baby is born. Once that is complete, I can relax a little, focus on my kids, and when given the OK I can start focusing on me again... in the gym :D
That's when the real work starts.

Realization of Self

I think this is definitely one of those moments a former employer of mine called a "BFO". Blinding Flash of the Obvious, that is. Something that is so simple, so stupid, so.... obvious.

I've been looking at this whole thing the wrong way. I've been so upset about my body, and my looks, and my health; but I've been upset because I'm worried that I'm somehow letting down my husband by not being fit, not being his "trainer" wife. I've sat and worried about him no longer being attracted to me and the way my body looks after having kids. I've stressed over becoming morbidly obese like many of my relatives; but not because of the overall impact on my health, or because I'm worried about not being there for my kids. I've stressed over it because I don't want to disappoint him, or have him be as disgusted with me as I am of myself.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband with all of my heart, and I don't think we would ever get to the point of him leaving me because of my looks/body shape or lack thereof. The man I married isn't that shallow or cruel. I've let my insecurities turn into low self esteem, which I've then pinned onto him simply because he's male and I'm scared to ever lose him. Yeah, I've been a real piece of work!

No more. Something clicked this morning, and I can see how stupid, and insecure, and petty I have been; both to him and to myself. He doesn't deserve my mistrust when he's done nothing wrong; and I don't deserve to second guess myself, or live life in fear of something so stupid. What happened to the confident woman that I once was? Who said "I don't care what you think of me". I've seriously gone bitch! I see myself snapping for no good reason (ok, I'll cut myself a little slack since I'm freaking pregnant and hormones really really blow), I've been judgmental, crass, rude, and just plain mean. I've made myself so unhappy that I've been making others unhappy. Thats not me. Thats not cool.

I'm doing this for me. I'm focusing on me, inside and out. I'm going to drag out that confident woman, I'm not letting her hide anymore. I'm a mother, and each one of my stretch marks tells a different story of the journey I made and the sacrifices I've made for my children. And each future mark will tell a similar tale. I'm a mother, and a damn good one at that. But I'm still me. I just have to dig "me" back out.

Food for thought

Finally got my rear back into the real gym today; nothing insane, a mile on the elliptical (hills program, level 5), 2 miles on the stationary bike (hills program, level 4), chest press, and some pec fly variations - all done in the sweltering heat of a muggy Virginia spring/summer afternoon, in a room that has zero ventilation. Poor Liam was drenched in sweat from playing solo in the kiddie corral in that same room.

Anyways, as with any gym, there are the standard floor to ceiling mirrors so that one can ogle themselves (or others if that's your thing) while on the cardio machines. Since I was actually wearing shorts today, I was watching my quads and hamstrings while on the elliptical and bike. I'm pretty disgusted by the state of affairs my legs have found themselves in these days. There's no real definition between hams and glutes anymore, and my quads look soft; almost pillowy. There's still the faint line between quads and hamstrings, and the slight outline of my calves, but overall my legs are a freaking mess.

On the plus side, I've managed to stay close to my calorie budget every day, while still somewhat indulging my pregnancy wants/needs/cravings. I don't know if I'll head back to the OB in a few weeks and maintain my 1 lb/4week weight gain streak (meaning I don't know if I'll be able to pull that off again), but if I can keep my total pregnancy weight to <180 I think I'll be ok. That would leave me with about 10 or 15 lbs to take care of instead of, oh say 30? like last time?
I also picked up (and took) my iron meds today, we'll see if that actually makes a difference in how I feel or if it will only show on blood tests. Bah, stupid pills.

I've been thinking about my ultimate goal of competition, and call it nerves, chickening out, etc etc etc... but I'm considering choosing a competition, preparing for it like I'm actually a contender, and then going and just watching it. For now anyways. It occurred to me the other day that I haven't actually been to a body building competition, amateur or otherwise, and I think it would be unwise to enter a competition without having at least seen one in person!

I'm also having trouble getting past the issue of not having anyone to watch the kids while I train the necessary hours or even while I'm at the competition (either watching or participating). Sean will be deployed for an extended period of time, and I have to take that into consideration. I just don't have the right kind of support system, nor do I want to be an inattentive parent. The kids will already be missing their father, is it really fair to make them go without their mother as well? Especially since its completely optional and for recreation purposes?

In addition to training for, and viewing the competition; I'm toying with the idea of doing some kind of professional photo shoot after I've achieved my goals. There are no pictures of me that I can actually be proud of, and that's definitely not for lack of a good photographer. I want to get some done that not only capture the accomplishments that I will have made, but also something that I can use to help my business. Would you really want an unfit/unattractive trainer (at first glance anyways)?

The good, the bad, and the rotten.

I haven't been the greatest the past few days with my food. Tuesday, I binged so badly that I made myself sick. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I had my glucose test Tuesday morning, but then I stopped at Rally's and had a chicken sandwich and fries. Then.... huckleberry pie. And frozen yogurt with chocolate syrup. Yeah, bad bad Laura.
Yesterday, I was a bit better, but still pretty much ruined my day by taking Liam for a late night trip to Mickey D's. I was 400 calories under my allowance, and finished the day at almost 200 over. I used the broken oven/stove as an excuse.
Today, my oven is still broken, but after paying bills and doing the budget, eating out is so not happening! I think its also helping that I'm really not that hungry, so hopefully the rest of today will remain on track. I'm cutting coupons and making our grocery list. Hopefully someone local sells Quinoa, I've been wanting to try it and see if I can incorporate it into some of our meals. Its nutritionally sound, but if it tastes like crap... good luck getting my guys to eat it!
Wish me luck with my coupons and deal searches, and if someone sees the maintenance guy kick him in the rear for standing me up this morning. I'd like to be able to cook in my own home again without sending smoke signals to Mars. K? Thanks.